saddddd

[ersigh]

So I'm here, in Northern California ...

I'm pretty tired due to lack of sleep last night (got back late from a shitty club experience, and slept @ my stepmoms house which smells like cat urine, it's in a trailer park, so there's all these noises a person can hear thru paper thin walls, such as the garbage truck) ... which means I'm too tired to wanna go ride my bike around on really bumpy roads (which i'm surrounded by) in the cold (cuz' you know it's 100 during the day and like 60 at night) ...

And I'm totally alone ... which for some, might equal LOTSA fun ... but I'm stuck w/a modem connection, no friends in the area (the one friend i have here is in the bay area doing stuff) ... I'm gonna go hang out w/this guy I hardly even get along with tomorrow, just cuz' ...

And I have these thoughts in my head ...

I got offered a job here ... 12/hr ... it's just for a few months, doing help desk/network admin for a 80 workstation network ...

Here is the place I don't like being. But I am currently behind on my bike payments, and looking at the possibility of not making my storage payment either ...

I'm supposed to go the races, but all I want to do is go back to SoCal, and use the money that was generously given to me, to pay for these things ... and I know, all day Sunday I will push myself to be appriciative and I'll enjoy taking pictures, but I will wish I didn't have to worry about these payments ...

The one job potential I have down there, is like 8/hr ... not enough.

I have a deadline @ the place I'm staying ... I have dug thru several job finding websites, the local newspapers ... there isn't much out there that is going to get me calls back, that pays well enough for me to be able to support myself. On top of that, the deadline happens sooner than I'd even get a paycheck... much less find a roommate, etc etc ... (i'm not sure when the deadline is, no one told me ... but i know it's soon).

And all I can think about, is how sad I'm going to be, to not be able to hang out w/you guys, ride around ... to be far away from my friends, from an area that is far more enjoyable to be in. Riding in traffic here just SUCKS ... SUCKS!!! It isn't much faster, because there aren't many places to pass ... the main part of the 101 is thinner because they are working on adding carpool lanes ... so lane splitting is just ... YUCK!!

And at the same time, I see myself having no choice ...

:(

I feel incredibly bogged down by it ... and maybe it's because I'm idle a lot, ebcause I don't have any of my familiar stuff with me (like my gym cloths or laptop) ... but when I moved to SoCal, I had felt like I had made a good decision, I've been happier than I've ever been ... and now I feel like a failure or something ...

It's very rare for me to find people I get along with ... and I feel like the first time I've actually kind of got a few sets of friends in my life ... that I'm having to give that up ... and I mean, IRL friends ... I've always had online interactions ... it was the IRL stuff that has been missing ...

I don't know why I'm posting here, except that every time I've posted here today, I've grown sad because of this stuff in my mind ... and maybe I'll feel better if I get it out ... maybe this whole analogy that keeps running thru my head, of leaving an abusive relationship, being happy for a year, and then being forced back into it because of circumstances outside your control, will stop kicking me in my teeth.

I feel like such a pile of COWPOOP right now ... i'm all whiney and "boohoo for leigh" ... :( ... sorry ...

[ersigh]

I just woke up ... I feel a little better ... I won't be driving my bike off the golden gate today ... ;)

(still feels bad for posting previous message)

[dnakase]

Know exactly how you feel.

Little comfort, but there ya go.

[linp]

Me too :( Wish I could help ya. I'm kinda glad the interest rate is low, and I transferred my credit card debt to a 0% interest rate card that I don't need to pay until next year. So until I find a good job, it's instant ramen and try to enjoy not having to work, do stuff I like.

I'd hang in there for a while, I keep telling myself that the right opportunity/time will come. It sure doesn't sound like the extra $4/hr will make you happier overall.

[ersigh]

The $4 an hour will make the difference of my being able to pay for stuff tho' ...

The household situation in SoCal is pretty shitty ... one of the roommates is one of those people who thinks he's better than everyone else, so he decided because our friendship didn't go the way he wanted, that he's going to tell me what to do ... take an authoritarian position with me ... and say "if you don't do this, you can't stay ehre" ... like he's my father. Nevermind the fact that he has no concept of what it's like to actually struggle because everything has been handed to him on a plate ...

(shrug)

So when I get down there, if I end up staying, I have to find a place to stay ... I've got a few offers of placto crash, but I think it's kind of difficult to get stable when you have no stable enviroment ...

My mom offered for me to live with her, for free ... and they offered to pay for the classes I want to take ... I think they'll pay for the classes even if I'm down there, but at least I know that if worse comes to worse, I've got a place to stay.

I'm currently more concerned about the fact that I've not been able to make payments on my bike, then my living situation or anything else like that. I grew up extremely poor ... I am a spoiled person now in comparision to how I grew up ...

[bwarbiany]

Leigh,
First of all, the norcal sv guys are great people... I've met a lot of them on several occasions, and they'd do anything to help another rider. I'd list names of the most helpful, but I don't want to bore everyone. If you're looking for a job, I'd suggest posting something there. They may be hiring or know someone who is, or could at least help you get a foot in the door. I had several resumes sent out to people when I got laid off by those guys. And they're great riders too ;)

Second, the roads up there aren't *all* bumpy... Go north on 101 to Skaggs Springs Stewarts Point Rd. The second have (towards the coast) is bumpy, but the first is a *DREAM*... Nice, high speed sweepers, impeccable pavement... Another try would be Hwy 175 from Ukiah to Clear Lake, or I think 253 from Ukiah to Boonville. You'll love it. And the Norcal folks (I'm sure Trace would love it) would be more than happy to show you around. They've taken me down roads that were nicer than GMR or the Crest, with no police presence to be found...

Third, although I think my fiancee would kill me for mentioning it, I need a roommate soon, in OC... If you can manage to find some work down here, and need a place to get away from your current situation, let me know...

Brad

[ersigh]

It all depends on how much $$ I can make ... and where I get a job, as to where I'll end up living.

So we'll see ... :)

I have decided that everyone should just tell their SO's (unless you are female) that I'm a lesbian ... to avoid any future complications dealing with jealousy and insecurities ...

[Burst]

Now YOU'RE making ME feel bad!

[ersigh]

Originally posted by Burst
Now YOU'RE making ME feel bad!

BAH!!!

Makes no sense to feel bad about something you've got no control of ... but just in case ... tell her I'm a lesbian!!!

teehee. ;)

[NukleoN]

Hey Leigh,

Sorry we couldn't meet up (or *I* couldn't meet up) coz it's been crazy..and I am moving this weekend! Sheesh...lots of work too...hopefully you're feeling better. ;)

[shearer216]

i dont know about your situation but, the shop i get my work done at just lost their parts guy and is shorthanded i dont even know if they are hiring but i figure couldnt hurt to give em a shot its white tip racing in san diego it could be cool to work in a bike shop. here the web address: www.whitetipracing.com herse their # 858-536-2920 just an idea good luck!

[ersigh]

Originally posted by shearer216
i dont know about your situation but, the shop i get my work done at just lost their parts guy and is shorthanded i dont even know if they are hiring but i figure couldnt hurt to give em a shot its white tip racing in san diego it could be cool to work in a bike shop. here the web address: www.whitetipracing.com herse their # 858-536-2920 just an idea good luck!

Thanks. I wrote to them. Will try calling if I don't hear from em'.